Here I am again

Well I swore up and down that I would neve return. I said goodbye to this country in 2005, never looking back- yet here I am again, same city no less. Am I a sucker for punishment?

Possibly


Likely


But there is a method to this Armenian madness as I sit here in my massive and empty apartment, at 5:50 am, blogging, which has been a lost art to me these past 15 months.

I can say that i burned out in Canada. My dream job that was so flexible and inviting, soon engulfed my life to the point that I did not have the energy to speak to my husband, the driving force behind my move to Canada, about our life, my day, his feelings, or anything that was worthy of conversation. In a few short months we became like an old couple that has nothing left to say to each other. It broke my heart to see us this way and I resented my life, our beautiful apartmetn and most of all my "steady" job.

Maybe I wasnt strong enough to do what was necessary. Maybe I was/am too emotional for the postion of Director. I brought my work home with me and soon it took its physical- not to mention emotional toll. And worse of all, it took its toll on us.

So insane as I may be, here I am, in Gwangju again, working for a reputable university. My apartment is big, on campus, free and virtually bill-less, and I am across from the very building in which I teach. It is exam week and I am not teaching as of yet, but come Monday I will be working full-force. 25 hours a week!! Half of what I was doing in Canada.

I have come here with a plan this time. 1. to find a publisher for my book, but not before putting the final touches on it, 2 to apply and hopefully get accepted to an online Masters programme for January or next fall, and 3 to work on myself. It is amazing what one can do to ones body when wallowing in misery, and in return, what that body does back to you. I read a quote a few weeks ago "Take care of your body, as it is the only home you have to live in" or words to that effect. I dont remember the author, but they are wise words. I intend to do just that, and go back to my love the person he met two years ago. I do not feel like that person now, and it is a sad thing to admit.

Perhaps writing down my plan and sharing it will force me to do it, or perhaps plans will change as new opportunities arrise. I know this for sure; I have time to do things I havent really done since Bulgaria, and I like having the time to sort the thoughts in my head. Without it, I cannot relax.

So we shall see what my second run is like here. It wont be the same. I know what I am in for, and I have old friends here now, ost of whom are calling and asking me to meet though i am still to jet-lagged. I also feel far more seasoned. I know what I am here for, and I am determined to get it. If I do not see progress, I will go home. There is not reason to be away from my husband and family if there is no progress.